Made out with some random "plus sized" young lady. She let me kiss her boobies. It was like I was 6 months old again.
I wonder if he just picks random boners to send or just the realy impressive ones
Dude, I had to masturbate just to stay warm. Please pay the gas bill?
apparently the bartender would rather give me free shots than tell me that my whole nipple piercing was hanging out
Well on the bright side, I only need a sophomore to complete the fuck-a-guy-from-every-year-challenge.
Just found bacon bits in my pocket. Blackout buffet is the best.
We are not on the "bring me breakfast" level. He's bringing me penis if I ask for breakfast too I'll just sound greedy
Um of course I blew him. He brought me a shamrock shake. It was two o’clock in the morning on St. Patrick’s Day. There was no smoother move basically. He totally earned that head.
Returning my drunken purchases from last night. Not a single thing I bought was on sale.
i told the cop we knew everyone at the party, it was 250 of our closest friends and she's like funny nobody on the balcony knew whose house this was
Thats why they were on the balcony!
i love how you just walk into that dealer's house every time without knocking, yet you don't even know his name
Coming straight to your house after the flight. If not in Federal Prison for disobeying peanut laws.
Literally just sitting around waiting for someone to come along and fuck my chakras back into alignment
If there was a gecko involved in your BDSM I'm gonna have to request that not happen when we live together ;)
Totally unrelated, but by the way I DO have one ball bigger than the other.
Randomize
