New requirements. My future husband must have a nose ring and wear headbands.
We are no longer friends.
STOP SENDING ME DANCING JESUS FORWARDS.
At first I was confused when I woke up with shards of glass and pickle brine in my pants. But then I remembered I hung out with you last night.
The best was having to tell my 16y/o cuz and her bf that we could see him fingering her in the inner tube. Lucky for them, I'm the cool cousin... and was river-level fuckedup.
I haven't gone out since the baby was born. If I don't get arrested, in a fight, or both I'm going to be super pissed.
Maybe I'm a robot.
You can't be that drunk already
YOU DID DRUGS AFTER A THREESOME WHO ARE YOU TO JUDGE ME?!!?
My Bio teacher gave me extra marks for putting "deer with AK-47 seeking retribution" at the top of the food chain on my exam. 51% pass here i come!!
I don't remember much but I think I'm wearing your underwear, and for that, I am extremely grateful.
He looks like a fat version of lurch from the adams family and smells like fritos. This is not the caliber man I want pleasuring himself to the thought of me!
We are magical, pot smoking, smart as hell, single as fuck, woodland dolphins.
Nothing kills the mood like him going to slap my ass and he hits his balls at the same time
i want to platonically make out with them, platonically. in the back of this minivan
I fell into the fireplace. That is a pretty good sign to stop drinking fireball
but dude how did I get so drunk?
Pretty sure it happened right after you poured a shot of Wild Turkey into your Budweiser, chugged it, and screamed "I. NEVER. BACK. DOWN!"
Randomize
