last night some bitch put bruce along with his entire fishbowl in her purse and tried to leave. how drunk do you have to be to steal someone's pet??
I just heard a guy scream "it must be five o' clock!!" and another guy screamed "somewhere!!!" out from different balconies.
college "breaks" should be renamed "reminder why you left your hell hole of a life in the first place"
After we did it I noticed she was wearing the same underwear as last night.
That's why you don't sleep with the same girl two nights in a row man!
i like him when i'm sober AND when i'm drunk.i've been searching for this my whole life
on the way to the hospital you kept asking if we could stop at the bar first. then you proceeded to puke out the window
The beers last night were like the tears from god
It looks like the misc $300 credit card fraud might have been our taxi cab driver who wouldn't take boobs as payment. No wonder...
I was laying there trying to sleep and then he sat up, took out his dick, and put it on my shoulder. It wasn't even hard- it was just casually perched.
Just bought a colored water bottle so my classmates can be so judgemental when I bring beer to class.
I think I died and satan has brought me back to life and I'm paying for my sins with this hangover
YAY! I just removed my own stitches, and I'm only bleeding from one spot! on a related note, do you think a dishwasher will sterilize forceps and trauma shears?
I hate political talk. I just wanna get fucked into an alternate universe where Bernie Sanders is president.
I just smoked weed out of a tomahawk, then chased an armadillo with said tomahawk, I love my life.
Maybe those shots of hot dog water wasn’t a good idea after killing a fifth of tequila.. but who’s askin
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