My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
I picked my nose. Flicked it. I heard it hit something. Next thing I know, it's floating around in my wine glass.
No, drunk sperm still make babies.
you woke me up just to tell me that I was beautiful in every way possible. Then you proceeded to fall asleep with your mouth on my boob.
I just accidentally hit share on pornhub... Probably the scariest moment of my life
YOU CAN'T JUST DO COKE AND THEN CALM DOWN
If we laid all the dicks that's have been inside of us end to end it would be as tall as 4 story building. 40 feet of dicks.
it's pretty awkward texting you how much I want to suck your cock when I have my mom on speakerphone.
On my way
alicia just called me and talked to me in "the eternal language of the dinosaurs" and then kind of roared and gurgled. what kind of 4th of july are you guys having?
the boozy kind. is there any other?
I just woke up in my locked bathroom. It's 5 PM. What happened?
I love when groups of boys part so I can walk through. It's like a red sea of penises, and I am their Moses.
I just saw a girl drinking wine and walking her dog in footie pajamas and a mad hatter hat. First day of the new year and I think I'm in love.
I feel like you should put up a missed connections ad for this..
Sometimes being bisexual is a curse. Turns out I banged both of her older twin brothers last summer.
Block me from your phone tonight…I need to get laid tonight. But you've been being a douchebag. So not by you. But I might call you. So block me.
WHY WOULD I COCK BLOCK MYSELF???
My ex's sister asked me to be her date to Thanksgiving. Should I go?
Threesome!
Randomize
