Another night of drunkeness. Maybe I shouldn't have played death pong...
Didn't you just get a DUI last week?
Indeed I did but death didn't stop Jesus now did it
Google Chrome's "top 8 most visited sites" page has become my motivation to stop masturbating
if my spotter knew I was listening to the Wicked soundtrack on my iPod, I wouldn't even be mad if he dropped the barbell on my throat
I swear my cock is like a magnet to my friends younger sisters mouths.
I just threw up in my hands while sitting on the toilet
He violated my cat. I was not impressed.
The lid of our salsa is promoting a contest that ended in July '09
Count me out. I seem to have semen induced blindness in one eye.
You're mold. I may or maynot have puked blood this morning.
Oh shit I just realized the ropes are still tied to the bedposts
Well, my nose won't stop bleeding from really bad cocaine and my purse is full of plastic gold coins. Also, someone saved in my phone as "tyrannosaurus sex" won't quit texting me. Savannah won. Let's put it that way.
I rang in the new year by giving a lap dance to a Lutheran minister in a roomful of people including his wife. Jesus would be proud.
We couldn't find the paddle I had gotten so he just spanked with my tennis raquet
Caprisun cuts tequila surprisingly well...
I just got CPR certified, don't make me need these skills so soon
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