today is like waiting for pizza day in elementary school, but with sex added
Fuck morning classes. Fuck early work. Fuck anything in the morning that doesn't involve sleeping, sex or bacon.
I always know the weekend is over when the real license comes out and the fake goes back into the hiding spot.
Some guy just delivered flowers to my roommate cause he fell off a roof onto her at a party last night. I think they have a date tomorrow.
When I was in the bathroom and wiped with a paper towel I found in the trashcan, I realized that this might be the reason I have a yeast infection.
Looking for things to spread butter on. Found men's briefs in garbage can. Lost insurance card. Summer has finally arrived
Just heard the words 'Pussy Riot' on NPR...I almost crashed my car.
Well I talked to some Canadians today, and I'm keeping a vigilant watch for sharks, so I'm pretty booked up.
I HAVE A GENTLEMANLY VAGINA.
Is it socially acceptable to break up with someone over snapchat?
I should come with a disclaimer that reads "bad at relationships and defensive when confronted about it"
or maybe "WARNING: picks fights when bored"
Note to self: Never spend $8 on a liter of rum again
If you can endure a laser on the butthole, you can endure a wax on the butthole. Those are words to live by.
I'm sittin in my Hawaiian shorts watching the office eating cold asparagus. wow do I suck when you're not here.
I'm not gonna be naked if your not here. Thats like a waste of nakedness
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