I was at the bar last night dancing, puking in a trash can, and ordering another drink all at the same time. Have I lost my dignity?
haha no as long as you did hook up with anybody after that.
... oops
I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
How did that happen by accident?
I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.
theres bread in your mailbox im going to eat it
nevermind its newpaper
i woke up convinced that my room was backwards i tried to go into the closet to get outta my room
you started crying about dinosaurs being extinct
that's why i woke up holding that dina girls hand
she's a dina-saur
Why do I always give away anal sex as birthday presents?
Shut up... one mans birthday cake is another mans sodomy my friend
she called me a fuckfaceshitdick. not that's creative. it sounds like a crayola crayon, preferrably an orange-brown shade.
but i'm paying and its not a date cause he's got a gf and i'm hooking up with his roommate tomorrow night
Being the adderall dealer on campus, I feel responsible for everyone graduating.
New rule: gentleman callers are required to bring me gifts of beer when coming over to court you. Tell the monster jam dudes so they know.
I drew you a picture of Jesus holding hands with Frida Kahlo as a token of my gratitude
I left the brick of cheese in your car! Keep it at Moderate Temp! It's my precious!
This German chick looked me up and down for a while. Then she grabbed my crotch, let go after a few seconds, and said "you vill do". I think I'm gonna like tonight.
I heard you ran into my sister lastnight. Do you remember making out with her and slapping my uncle?
I mean, it's good for a lot of things. Just not the inside of your vagina
Well neither is bbq sauce but I dont judge kinks
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