The only thing I've had to eat today was the half eaten sausage biscuit I found on my chest when I woke up this morning.
I have a drunk 6th sense to lyrics of songs i dont know. It only works when i dance..
I woke up on the steps beside a plate of spaghetti and a toilet paper roll ripped in half. And i actually think this day is gonna get better.
so what if he's got a new girlfriend. the guy i'm fucking has an english accent. i win.
Theres also beggin' strips and a dog bone in the corner...nooo signs of there being a dog though.
At what point did we decide It was a good idea t have a wheelbarrow race in the parking lot?
he made me feel like a shish kabob. his dick was the skewer.
and you said he wasn't worth calling.
If we can only get laid once in a blue moon, apparently this will be our month.
Boob shaped ice luge is ordered for my bday. Boom
I can't even drink.
The liquor comes out the nipples. Out. The. Nipples.
Every single person in NY is either baking, drinking, or photographing their cat. Reporting live from Instagram.
She made this little rubber cap thing that looks like a brain to go on my dick. She calls it a "penis cap". Industrial design students are weird...
Do drug dealers work on Memorial Day?
It's 11:13am and my chem prof is drinking a beer in class. I guess finals week is stressful for them too
Apparently I handcuffed myself to the dishwasher...
I tried saying sorry but instead I puked down her shirt and tried to clean it up... Now I have a bruise on my forehead. good news, before she left she wrote her number on my stomach with sharpie
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