I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
Get condoms and clear your schedule for the night. I'm bringing chinese food!
I don't know whether I should be pissed that there's glitter in my bed or proud that there's semen in there too.
i finally found my car by the hideout. it was parked in an employee only parking space with a torn up piece of paper in the back window with the word employee scribbled on it.
yeah he couldn't walk in a straight line and started throwing up and told the cop he just has an astigmatism
The cop was more concerned with the fact I had cowboy boots on with shorts than the fact we were under age
hahaha lucky. I'm fishing with some dude I just met when I woke up next to the mohawk river
Second wave of rafting ended in a concussion. Don't worry though, the paramedic says it's still not considered a DUI.
I would like to apologize for my MANY attempts of trying to motor boat you.
But did u die
I found an onion in my purse
I'm trying to watch Chicago PD and tell you I like your dick at the same time. It's a lot of work, ok?
I took the beard trimmer to my balls this morning.\nMuch blood. Much blood from my scrotum.
MUFFINS DON'T MAKE YOU ORGASM MULTIPLE TIMES OR HAVE ROCK HARD MUSCLES.
i asked your drunk ass where the fuck you were going and you screamed “WENDY’S BITCH”.
I'm sorry I get my lefts and rights confused because I'm dyslexic. But, it took you at least 15 minutes to figure out it wasn't your room OR YOUR HUSBAND.
Randomize
