Was it a mistake telling him I couldn't get the abortion until I was 2 months along on the first date?
Literally passed out while tubing... Boating while hammered is a blast but thank God for life jackets
I feel like now would be a good time to apologize for vomiting in your eye
all he has to do is look at me on new years and hes getting laid. thats how hot he is
I just found out I lost my virginity the same day my parents did, 25 years later. This is my life.
I just sent her mug shot out in a mass text because I hate her and her cocaine eyes are hilarious.
Jesus just hopped over the fence with a rack of coors. How's your Halloween?
I love our strategizing... I wish we used the same passion for planning our lives and future that we use for planning our drunken escapades... We would both be doctors by now, I swear
I made people serenade her before talking to her and went on a condom run. If I'm going to be in the friend zone, I'm going to be its fucking king.
Oh and it took quite a bit of doing, but I managed to wipe my butt with the hat you left in my car
Ever since I got to LA my dream self has been having sex with way too many rabbi's.
Are you in a position where you can bring me some nachos?
I can't believe just smoked out of a pear
I can't believe you had a pear already made to smoke out of, that was impressive
You can only use the "she handcuffed me naked to your bed, i couldn't do anything, sorry bro" excuse once.
You have a tempurpedic. you only have you to blame.
His bedroom is the preferred destination of MILFs, cougars, recent divorcees and sexually frustrated wives
His penis is my hero
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