Grinding on my ninth grade teacher. Dreams really do come true
swear to god, just saw some chick dressed in a full chicken costume buying eggs and telling the cashier that she "just wants her babies back."
buy whatever she's on. a lot of it.
I just realized I've stolen a hat from every guy I fucked. Except the last one. Maybe there is hope for me.
We have a hundred jello shots. Lines will be crossed.
Why is the word 'best' written on my chest?!!
Just threw up in the waiting room. I can't believe I have to switch dermatologists again.
Some girl at the bar was showing us her chipped tooth as a pick up line.
You kept saying you we're gonna puke and wanted to steal my pants
That does not explain the remnants of a small fire in my bathtub.
This message brought to you by inappropriate slogans. Cotton candy, melting in your mouth like boners.
What kind of scumbag goes to a baby's 1st birthday party with a black eye? This kind. Me. I'm disgraceful.
Wrong. I really wanted to see the movie. And she was on top of me like she was riding a mechanical bull. Who am I to complain? I live to serve.
Fuck me first. Then we can craft and watch Terminator 2.
When the vodka monkeys are playing a drum solo in my skull tomorrow, remind me I tried to sterilize my body from the inside with titos
I found my wallet. Still have no idea when I put mad dog in my steel water bottle, though...
You had all day to plan ahead & get mixers, so whose fault is this sobriety?
Randomize
