If she catches me sniffing the seat of her office chair again, she's either going to fire me or fuck me
my roomate judo was messing around with a girl who recently had a kid, when he was sucking her tits milk came out lmao
i think i just heard my dad finish in the other room...
so she called me drunk and made me stay on the phone with her while she puked.
It's like you don't even want to get drunk with me everyday, anymore.
Thursday nights need to stop happening to me.
I never appreciated sexting until I went to rehab
These fuzzy pants work great for sleeping, taking an exam, getting baked and watching the hobbit. I guess i'm not changing pants for 72 hours.
I deserve to be covered in dicks
You also spilled beer on my dog and tried to wipe it off with a paper towel but he kept getting away from you.
For whatever reason, whenever she's drunk off Crown, all she wants to do is jerk me off with her feet.
Like I thought me shitting my pants was bad today... Then the election happened.
Why is no one on Snapchat tonight? I want to see other people having fun so I know it still exists.
God doesn't care if you're a paramedic, you can't do that to someones cat and still get into heaven
Turns out naked yoga wasn't a pickup line. I feel betrayed.
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