there is this woman at the counter who looks identical to linda ellerbee. and she's grinning. COME. INSIDE. NOW.
Did I get blown in the bathroom? Yes. Did she throw up cranberry juice on my shorts? Yes. Did she finish the job? Yes.
He just stood there...Helen Keller and I could have had a more interesting conversation
I'm gonna stay in bed all day and watch porn in an attempt to stay warm.
i seriously wanted to pee on her right then.
I found an HIV test/information brochure on the kitchen table and what i can only assume to be an "I'm sorry you might have AIDS" gift bag, complete with a candle and popcorn, and I haven't seen you in 36 hours. You good?
Remembering I sold my brand new Blackberry to a stranger for a few pints = Worst night of my life. Now to work out what I did with my shoes.
A fair warning: I don't think a cop will let you off the hook just because your birthday is on New Year's Eve
hooked up with someone last night while wearing walrus pajama pants. clearly I'm accomplishing big things in life
Pulling on my sock literally just took me 5 minutes.. The hangover is real
I appreciate the I'll come bail you out of jail tone in the text
I fell asleep while eating jimmy johns last night and then woke up at 5am and continued to eat it
He told me he was my brother roommate in college after we fucked, but already knew that so I had pretend I didn't know that.. like how I pretended I finished. 2/10
found a thong and $20 in my right pocket. it's going to be a good day
I’m going down on him like an Oompah Loompah on roller skates.
That makes no sense, but good luck
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