I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
It must have been true love
I don't call true love eating a bag of doritos and then going down on each other
Small penises have feelings too.
His threats seemed pretty legit for a 6 year old
do you know what somber means? it's kinda the opposite of a kegstand
Today's lesson: while in the shower, one should choose between either drinking OR shaving. Not both.
I'm sure that's not what the inventers of the Turkey baster had in mind, but that's what I had in mine.
could you please not use my mortar and pestal for its intended purpose? i just snorted cracked black pepper.
Her vagina felt like a fur coat. It was weird at first but I kinda liked it
I understand why animals eat their young in the wild after watching your kid this afternoon
I'll just bring the big suitcase this trip so I don't have to play wine bottle tetris again.
It took me an hour to walk from my drive way to my front door... what the fuck was in that weed?
How drunk you think somebody has to be, that they think that putting out a profile pic like that can be even a slightly good idea?
I'll give you another blowjob if you bring me some cake.
I will not abuse the gift that was given to me
You were given a vagina and you abuse that pretty hard
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