i'm sick of taking my pants off and seeing a look of disappointment on the girls face. i want her to be frigthened
he looked about as manly as a guy in a volkswagen bug can look
i think you broke pat's ankle when you drove over it... he's freaking out but on a more serious note i'm 99% sure i saw a werewolf
Quick question... Why were there condoms frozen into ice cubes?
We tried to make a sex tape, but we were hammered and she forgot to take the cap off the camera. Somebody starts snoring 10 minutes in.
I fucked a 6'7 Danish man. In the ocean. At 5am. Greetings from Florida!
The least you could do before I go into your room is throw away the condom wrapper from the other girl I know you're banging.
If you take a couple more shots you won't even know he's a mormon that drives a mini van.
I just want you to know that I am dancing around my apartment by myself singing Taylor Swift into a wine bottle. Do hurry.
You put on some guys Birkenstocks that were abandoned on the dance floor overtop of your flats. Then ran out of the bar high gives the bouncer and said "look at my new kicks" then he was like woah wait a minute someone is missing those and made you return them. You were very upset
Broke my ankle and blacked out on my scooter last night. 'Twas grand.
Morning! Got your 3am VM to remind you to get up for spin class and also confirm you were not murdered by the sketchy guy at brunch yesterday. So this is your literal and metaphorical wake up call.
I knew I wanted to marry her when we got in that bar fight and she full-nelsoned a guy while I worked his kidneys. I knew then we had to breed
These snow days are takeing a toll on my liver
He just canceled. I got an amazing new dress and now he’s decided he’s spending the weekend with his family
In other news, there’s some rando in an expensive hotel bar who is going to get very lucky tonight because I love the way this dress makes my tits look. Want to help me find him?
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