I need to have sex with someone before he does. I need to win this break up!
After you puked you called ur mom and told her you fucked on her bed, then u said "Have a good night mommy!" hung up and passed out on my couch
that would explain 17missed calls and 3 very angry voicemails from her
I'm in my boyfriends bathroom and I shit so bad, there was no toilet paper but his mom's clothes were on the floor and I wiped my butt on her underwear... now it looks like she sharted
we've decided to start cutting you off when you can't figure out how to work an ipod.
I'm glad we're going to catch up. too bad it's over my vagina.
I just looked at a girl and was like what disease does she have? And then my mind caught up ohhh shes pregnant.
Remember that time i gave you head on MY birthday and you made me stop so you could watch the rhino part in 300
I have work in an hour and I'm having trouble with concepts such as 'staying upright' and 'staying conscious'. Tie me to your wrist next time we go out drinking,
This dude has batman tighty whities on over his cargo pants and he has the nerve to yell "fuck you bitch" up at my window.
Officially locked in my status as an indifferent millennial by downloading Tinder.
All of my friends are talking about changing their lives because they have an alcohol addiction and I'm over here reminding my boss that it's national beer day.
Pretty sure I just scored Election Day sex based on the theory that if either of these fools win the world as we know it is over so we might as well get a few orgasms in...
I gave him a BJ in the shower
I just fell and it seemed like a good idea when I was down there
My debit card was between my ass cheeks when i woke up. i vaguely remember putting it there for safe keeping
I got some blow and a hand job from one of the strippers. So I guess I'm getting over the divorce.
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