if i can run in heels then i can drive
you know you're not getting laid when you start breaking awkward silences with quotes from Robot Chicken
i scrubbed and i scrubbed and i scrubbed and i still was a whore
how many princess gummy vitamins will it take to negate last nights drinking binge?
Dude, I just went to take a piss and looked at my ballsack... Underneath was labled "L" and "R"
im downtown. alone. lost. drunk. dressed as santa. dont find me. i just heard someone say mechanical bull.
just so you know, you can get through airport security with handcuffs no questions asked
thats because you have standards... and i have a thing for guys that give me free drugs.
We are a team. I lure them in with my tits, feed them enough alcohol to consider homosexuality, and hand them off to you.
You're the best wingman ever.
You're the only person I know who would be upset about making out with a girl you like. You're like a drunken Charlie Brown.
So much rum. So many feels.
Giiiirl. Just had a BM that almost killed me.
Okay who let me pass out in a recliner cuddling a pitbull and a cardboard cutout of Orlando Bloom
THIS THING HATES MY LIVER
This is the best 30th birthday ever. In a Motel 6 drinking a shower beer and sending slow-mo dick helicopter videos to you.
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