Quick question... Can I call you daddy? Or would that just really made the whole 8 year age gap a bigger deal...?
Some chick is drunk waving down a taxi with a slice of pizza.
Tinkerbell just flew up to me and tickled my balls. What the fuck did we smoke?
So I passed out with my boxers on in the hotel jacuzzi at 5am.. The manager who kicked me out was pretty cute so I left my name and number for her at the front desk. I'm giving it a 50/50 she calls.
He called me on my way to the bathroom and told me he wanted to hear me pee my beers out... That. Drunk.
My day may involve a drug pinata. I LOVE MY LIFE.
You never know how much you love your bed until you sleep with 4 other people in your car.
Just gave a blow job while wearing a shirt that says 'world's coolest mom' idk how my conscience feels...
Someone broke in while we were at the bars, window is shattered but nothing got taken
Noone broke in, matt tried to pull a tyrese and punch through the window... were at the hospital.
Next year for Halloween you can be the sword swallower, with a penis shaped sword.
I'm a lady who knows what she wants in life, and that's uncommitted dick.
A guy from tinder a while ago who sent me dick pics straight out the gate is a tech on my dad's hospital floor. I was wondering why he looked familiar and why he never took my dads vitals when I was in the room
How am I supposed to buy weed and pancake mix when it's raining?
Took an adderall for the first time in a few weeks. Spent 45 minutes peeling an orange TO PERFECTION.
Memeber that time you got detained in Poland. We don’t talk about that enough
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