Do you think Patty Mayonase ever went down on Doug?
I'm gonna write a book, Things that go bump in the night: The story of Katelyn. Chapter one, my roommate is a dumb whore.
the last thing i remember is unlocking the door. its like i was literally opening the door to my blackout
My mom just walked in on me and my girlfriend about to have sex. All she said was "You're lookin like a fool with your pants on the ground.."
i could totally date him if i was just drunk the whole relationship
He asked me why my bellybutton was so ugly... and wondered why i wasnt in the mood anymore.
DIN'T JUSGE NE.
i spent an hour trying to convince my psychiatrist that the fact that i showed up for my appointment drunk was progress, and she does not agree
Yeah I remember I tried to close her head in the freezer last night
So that 100 days of sobriety thing I told you about last week? Lasted all of 4 days. Fuck it, life's too short
Yes she was blowing me but I couldnt see her face. The only light was from the sparklers she asked me to hold. I love 4th of July.
He is getting married. In the time it took for this conversation he probably cheated on her three times
the bouncer just handed me a Starbucks bag of pound cake
I just woke up and my ass is covered in honey and my eye brows are shaved off.
yeah i'm making him "thanks for letting me befriend your toilet" cookies. wanna help? i'm sure you'll be making new friends too.
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