I think you came in my ear last night and I had to pick it out infront of my kids in class today
It's not true, it's not true! She's too full of cheese to have sexy time!
remember last night when you and I took turns yelling THIS IS HUGE in my dogs faces? I love wine night.
we had a 10 minute conversation with his family about how I don't let him eat me out. I want to go home
this girl is like a spa retreat for my dick
Did you really just text me at 6:35 in the morning asking where the condoms were? I moved out a year ago.
He fucked me so hard I might have to go to the hospital for internal bleeding
Can I have him when you're done?
I just remembered that I did shots out of a gay mans crotch. And there's someone saved in my phone as "Miranda knows where my car is"
He said I could pay him back in blow jobs. What's the going rate for those these days?
Tequila ran out around 11 so she let them do body shots of chips and guacamole instead
I'M GOING TO FUCK AN ENTIRE ORCHESTRA AND NOTHING CAN STOP ME
The band club does not count as an orchestra
I literally JUST MADE IT to the liquor store. I bought a box of wine with the lights off
I've turned into a small time drug dealer, now who's the real MVP.
sorry i got drunk at sunday brunch and force fed carrot sticks to your cat
When was the last time you got laid?
When was the last time you came home sober?
touche
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