You're not pinnochio. Lying isn't going to make it bigger.
someone owes me an orgasm
Apparently, banging my bartender ex-girlfriend = free drinks again. Not every bad decision is a wrong decision.
I just woke up to people screaming "funnel" in my kitchen....
Happy St. Patrick's Day.
My poo smells like dog food. That's how I know it was a good night.
Somehow me not being able to breathe due to cocaine doesn't seem very domesticated.
You shouted "FUCK SHANIA TWAIN" and then downed an Aquafina bottle of white wine none of us knew how to react
Also. When I die, I'm gonna have them put me in the casket naked and then have an open casket funeral. That will be my last chance to make people uncomfortable.
We were all day drunk by 2pm. Now I know why they hate Americans
I'm gonna forget you just shared your personal blowjob aesthetic with me and move on
I saw seagulls fucking earlier today. What have you done with your life recently?
that moment you remember partying with someone several years ago.. and don't remember if you slept with them or not.
Working nightshift means its never too early to start drinking- and you can quote me on that
Do you remember me asking for jerk off videos from Tinder guy?
Nah I don't remember that being part of the criteria
Last night i walked into a gas station to get condoms. I threw them on the counter and the guy gave me a funny look because i was wearing a bra under an open cardigan and no shoes. I screamed "DONT JUDGE ME!" and he gave them to me for free.
Randomize
