this is a mass text: i just made a grilled cheese with an iron and pasta with the coffeemaker in the hotel room. bow before your new god.
right before he busted, he moaned the british are coming.
only on the fourth of july.
At a Jewish lesbian wedding. I stick out like a sore, uncircumcised penis.
I had to close one eye to read the questions on my final this morning. That hungover.
Don't worry. I told him just because you've gargled some balls in the past doesn't mean you'll be handling his.
I really wanted that to be shared. Thank you.
you have a wonderful penis attached to someone I'm having a lot of problems with right now
Found half of a five day old piece of pizza behind my dresser. Apparently it was drunkenly set there and got knocked down. It was such a happy reminder of last weekend.
I found a cheeseburger next to my tub once. It's there to shame you, but it always just makes me feel more awesome.
Just made a drunk dude do 20 push-ups. In the parking lot of the bar tonight for a keystone light I found in the back of my truck.
Oh yum
I know it was your bday but bringing a airhorn and blowing it yelling "buy me a fucking shot" in the bartenders face was a little uncalled for
I just ordered $70 worth of pizza and I'm not even ashamed. Happy Valentine's Day to me.
Remember when we tried to have fun last time..? I got put in a choke hold and you woke up in some ones car.
My arms in a cast, how am I supposed to have sex with only one hand?
more importantly I need two hands to eat pie
I just got wasted for $3.50. My life can't get any better.
I feel like my entire body is ashamed of me today
You're a god amongst men today
I just woke up with a cowboy hat on my face and a playboy from the 90s on my chest
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