I just saw the girl you left with - Chris Hansen's looking for you
I'm smoking weed out of a trumpet
I just did a slip and slide down the hall way of my apartment building
Tie
Short Circuit remake moving forward, David Carradine dead by his own hand. Come home soon, society deteriorating rapidly. Nation's capitol likely not safe.
I feel uncockblockable...banged her in the bathroom with my iv still in
Do any of you want to be on a three way call with me while this girl masturbates in 10 min? You can't talk
I'm very fluent in vodka, but that seems to be a whiskey dialect.
apparently I crawled into someone's bed and demanded they call me 'big dog' before shotgunning a beer
Omg do you remember last night you kept pointing to your vag asking who wants to play this like a fiddle hahaha
I know it must have been a hard break up. Are you okay?
Oh yeah, I'm fine dude. My vaginas heart is broken though. I feel bad for her, you should give her a call sometime.
Bring a bathing suit and your good liver.
My good liver is still at the dry cleaners. Will my backup liver suffice?
Maybe
I hope Team Snapchat has been enjoying our sex snaps all this week.
had a dream you helped me fill my shoes with yogurt. we were even like "why didn't we think of this before?!" like it was just so obvious
that sounds like something we'd do... we're onto something here
Have you had sex with a man from New Zealand? No? Then your input is invalid.
I have a bottle of vodka wrapped in a leg warmer in my purse. This is what it takes to get through Christmas with my family.
He told me he loved me and I told him I shit myself
Randomize
