doesn't he have a GF?
that just means you have to try harder.
i didn't have to try TOO hard, just told him i didn't want to know his name or...
So, I woke up to an empty bottle of scotch and a dead car. The last thing I remember are the strippers being mad at me. Awesome night.
Feels good to be wearing underwear again though...
I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
How did that happen by accident?
I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.
Slugs feel like vagina... thought you would want to know
At least he's not married... I hate Halloween hookups
There are not enough shots in the world for this. We walked in and they shouted "the pilgrims are here!" And then someone handed me a turkey leg the size of my arm.
I'm calling into work with a wicked case of sledge hammer crotch. She has to understand
Hungover like ... in bed with the Brita pitcher and a straw, only opening one eye at a time.
Exactly. So he deserves crazy "thanks for keeping me out of jail" sex. Or an "I'm glad your excessive cocaine habit had some positive outcomes" blowjob.
do you think if she looks enough like a dude i have to come out to my parents?
Finally washing the shoe scuff marks off my front windshield :( bye bye memories
I should come with a disclaimer that reads "bad at relationships and defensive when confronted about it"
or maybe "WARNING: picks fights when bored"
HahahahahaHAHAHAHAHAHAHA MY LIFE IS A CAUTIONARY TALE
Why are friend nudes not more of a thing? My tits look awesome right now.
low point of the night : a cop just busted out laughing at me.
Randomize
