He broke up with me by playing Lynyrd Skynyrd "Free Bird".
You know when its a good night when you have to be reminded IHOP is a family establishment.
You got my ass fired just for knowing you
thanks for the bacon
what part of "i slept with our hot teacher" are you not excited about?!
the part where you beat me to him
fair enough.
I'm confused about why you felt the need to ask me to buy you life alert for christmas at 3:28 this morning.
Is it acceptable I'm laying in bed drinking airplane bottles?
In our world? Yes, but I'm disappointed yoiu are wasting airplane bottles. Save them for sneaky occasions
If you wake up tomorrow and start to wonder.... Yes you did just eat mild sauce from taco bell out of the package while informatively yelling about the loss of my virginity
She has a tattoo on her inner thigh that's an x with a long dotted line. So after she passed out I signed it. Dunno what else I was supposed to do...
I woke up naked on his boat with a cowboy hat on with a boat cover over me... Thank you tequila!
He stopped in the middle of having sex to ask me what shampoo I use. Apparently my hair smelled good
I damn near set my vagina on fire. WHILE The Flaming Lips played in the background. Intensely apropos.
I've found a new low. I was climb-on-the-bar-piano drunk.
Do you know how much wine is in a box of wine? Not so much an amount, but whether it will kill me if I drink the entire box this xmas
The porch is breathing.
STAY OUT OF MY SHROOMS YOU CUNT
I COULD CUT A FUCKING DIAMOND WITH MY RIGHT NIPPLE RIGHT NOW HOLY FUCK
still drunk.please come get me.he kicked me out because i couldn't stop laughing about passing out in the middle of taking his virginity.
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