I love you
are you drunk
yes but I def love you, we should get married
But I'm Jewish
embrace Jesus
We just saw a waitress walk by with a tray of bacardi and whipped cream.
Whoever ordered that deserves a pat on the back and the "classiest customer" award
the tile , carpet , walls , cabinets , even the ceiling ... there is Jello everywhere
it was your idea to have indoor Jello wrestling man
I don't know if you remember, but I was only wearing an afghan.
I'm sorry for not being sorry about whatever shit I did to you when you were annoying and I was drunk. That is all.
If you come home soon there's a stripper in the shower. Don't be alarmed
Even worse we were making a sex tape so our reaction to the condom breaking was recorded.
my math prof is telling us what to do in a gun fight. i dont want to live in oakland anymore.
I just think that if you're going to run around naked outside, a feather boa should be involved. Half for the flair and half for an emergency cover.
People were staring and acting all judgmental and offended... Like they've never seen anyone breastfeed in a liquor store.
We may not see eye-to-eye on much, but I'm definitely willing to let you see eye-to-vagina again.
He texts me "what are you wearing" in the middle of the workday, so naturally I assume he's kidding and respond "the blood of my enemies" #foreveralone
My girlfriend is talking to my ex-boyfriend at the bar right now. I REPEAT, GIRLFRIEND IS TALKING TO EX BOYFRIEND RIGHT NOW. GET ME THE FUCK OUT OF THIS PLAACE
I think all the guys I've fucked in my life would get along perfectly. They'd probably form an orchestra and travel the fucking world. That gives me the slightest feeling of consistency in life which is great.
He sent me a website link to GIF on Snapchat. I don’t think he understands how Social Media works.
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