Please return the baby Jesus and sheep to the quad
She got subburned last week and her bikini ties in the middle...when I took off her shirt, there was a sunburned bow between her boobs. Like a present. Happy birthday to me!
Just transferred the sun chips from that obnoxious Eco-friendly bag into a zip lock. Fuck the environment, that bag is loud.
when you tell me you got me a birthday present, I have to assume it will show up in a drug test.
She just tried to snort granola up her nose but its ok she's not bleeding.
When his Irish accent comes out my uterus hums. Or some productive organ down there, I'm not sure of the logistics
Just got a free shot w my beer...it's not quite 11am yet...I love international travel. These people aren't judgmental.
how the hell did this chicken wing end up in my cast?!
After this weekend, it looks come this holiday season I'll be walking in a winter abortionland.
my heart is telling me chinese, but my head is telling me beer.
The worst decision I made last night was allowing myself to be duct taped to the ceiling
My cat clawed my face because i tried to give it a foot massage...never doing shrooms again.
Moral of the story: don't have drunken shower sex with the lights off...or you WILL break your foot. And the shower knobs.
He made a playlist to use during sex...that ended with The Ultimate Warrior's entrance music.
Comedy Central is in dire need of more sitable faces late at night - Trevor Noah has a baby face - there are federal rules against those types of sexual fantasies
Randomize
