Remember that time i walked in on your friend taking a huge shit?
Remember that time you hooked up with him?
just woke up to overhearing her on the phone saying "yeah we fucked last night, that makes 42." should i get tested?
well i fucked her too, so yes.
Why did you leave me a note saying 'find the canary'
I've started making all these amazing things...like bananas rolled in doritos..bandritos.
Every bar we ever go to has a woman there who hates him. Getting so much vagina has never seemed so not glorious
Passed out drunk in a tanning bed...
Did At The Beach call the fire department to get you like last time?
Drunk me spoon fed everyone baby food last night.
I think I'm going to contact pbr and see if they'll sponsor our dreams
I have more sex toys than shoes - HOW AM I SINGLE?!?!?
Make sure you plan your visit for October. That's ACL festival, it's like every Bro in the country converges on Austin. My vagina wants to go hunting.
Woke up with a $50 attached to my penis with a rubber band..
Sweet. Tell little Richard to buy us a sack and a pizza.
i'm pretty sure you can't sue someone for "Taking a shit on my kitchen floor."
you hit your head on the sneeze guard and passed out at Pizza Hut they called the police
Steven and I talked about running for office again today. It's fucked that my 3 dream jobs are marijuana bakery owner, bar owner, and president.
fucked one of the teachers, librarian job's going great
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