captain morgan taught me last night that resee's puffs are way better when eaten straight out of the sink.
I thought she was mad at me, but then we did a pose off and I realized we're friends for life
i got so high last night i cried hysterically for like 5 minutes because i dont have any superpowers
I could seriously attempt to try and saw my head in half with a butter knife cause im pretty sure it could not hurt any more than it already does
I gave her at least chlamydia. Maybe worse. She is also into chicks and loves taking naked pics. It's like the less I believe in Jesus, the more he rewards me.
You kept going up to guys in plaid and screaming "are you a lumberjack" in their faces
We got way too high so we're sitting in the parking lot of the movies trying to figure out what bar to go to
I'm honestly considering asking her if I can eat her out, as a friend.
I didn't know. I guess I really haven't had that much time for drinking lately. I mean, outside drinking at home/work.
If she's over 40, she won't believe you if you say " I'm only going to put the head in"
We've been watching Scooby Doo and having sex for the past 36 hours, so life is great
We should probably start extreme couponing for the morning after pill.
She abandoned me on the doorstep of her hostel. Turns out you can't bring one night stands into those places. Slept in a train station next to a tramp. He gave me chips. And didn't steal my shit while I slept. So I'm counting this one as a win
I'm in the fetal position trying to figure out a way to get someone to deliver me pancakes.
I’ll call you later. There’s a jilted trophy wife looking for a revenge fuck at my door
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