i just saw a man dusting the fake palm trees at the mall
...welcome to nebraska
Only you could turn Mozart into a stripper song.
is it bad that I only want to go to my boyfriends house bc I want to see his roomate walk around with his shirt off?
All I remember was yelling at him, "Its becasue of people like you that it took us so long to get to the moon!"
Update: I just puked into a sock. It was the only thing available at the time. Why I happened to be holding a sock, we may never know.
no more duck duck goose at the bar
This guy just tried to hit on me on facebook. His most recent listed education is middle school. This is my life.
And then you'll find yourself a hot chick and leave me behind with nothing but my back fat to keep me company.
Turns out floaties are a great thing after a couple bottles of vodka
I feel like my map app knows I'm hungover and is strategically not driving me by fast food places so I cannot stop
It was one of those "how did I get to my bed and what am I wearing" mornings.
oh. oh my god. i just had lunch with my mom with semen still on my face.
The number of threesomes I have agreed to seems to increase every time I talk to you drunk...
Oh. Why can't it be something easy, like a punch card for blowjobs?
My roommate's overnight guest is screaming about the dog licking his asshole. I need a new place to live.
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