This guy sitting next to me just bought a plot of land off the internet. On a whim. In the middle of class
In Vegas, have spent the last 48 hours wearing a viking helmet and fanny pack. I consider this to be a career high since drinking is my career
my secret santa just gave me a pregency test
Welp, she's chewing our paper towels again. She's like an obnoxiously hot puppy
Is it possible to have pulled a muscle in my neck from passing out with my head in a bucket?
They got a 10 foot tall beach ball from the roof of a McDonalds. Get the fuck over here.
Uuh, dude you came running out of the bar screaming you didn't want to hear that song, ran face first into a truck, spun around 3 times and hit the sidewalk. I tried to catch you.
Props to the guy on crutches playing edward forty hands. Dedicated to drinking games is an understatement.
He's laying next to me passed out dressed as a hooters girl
I bet he's a super pretty hooters girl
Brightest idea yet: lets drink enough at ladies-drink-free nights to make up for the cost of tampons. Breaking even on having vaginas!
he wouldnt let me in bed until i took off all the stickers i was covered in
Then she looked me straight in the eyes and asked me if I missed my foreskin. Weirdest conversation ever.
Some guy was coming onto me last night and in the middle of it all he said: 'It literally says this on my birth certificate: Francis Coburt: The Guy Who Can Pull Two Beers Outta His Pants Like Magic.'
Although now I have "number of cheese slices" as a unit of boob measurement in my head.
After all this I still can't spell gonorrhoea without autocorrect
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