I woke up to him trying to put his dick in my mouth. When I asked him what he was doing he said he was trying to make me stop snoring...
i almost got kicked out of the rave because i was trying to get in on some couple's makeout sessions
like in an apt above a crackhead. A LEGIT CRACKHEAD. he woke me up every morning this week asking me if I wanted to buy a mini fridge and some CDs. at 5 am. EVERY DAY.
one of my coworkers is shitshow drunk, getting naked. she's about to ride the bull.
i was just going to ask if it would be cool for me to come and have a beer...
it's total chaos here. i may ride the bull... i'll be visible.
Accidentally spilled a drink on her roommates skirt, offered to clean it, and got a blowjob out of the deal. Something went horribly right.
my mom sold the house because of the grow room the couple saw i had in the basement.
just so you're aware of it in the morning: you tried to slide down the railing on a snuggie. twice.
omg dinner turned into a foam party this is weiriiid
But you have work tomorrow. And a whore to pick up. And a dinner to eat. And a vagina to slaughter. Your day is full!
I appreciate the concept of vaginal slaughtering.
He's blaming gravity for his problems right now, so put that in perspective
I'll be there soon. I expect Advil and a bucket of kittens when I arrive.
dude it was our first time and her hair caught on fire from the candles on the nightstand
There is no way that actually happened!
the smell of burnt hair covered up the sweaty sex smell.
I look over and the both of you are naked, and he's eating chicken nuggets off the floor
there's fucking coffee grinds packed all inside my pipe. what did i do
maybe you should have closed the porn before you gave the professor your computer to hook up to the projector?
Randomize
