dude, I'm watching paul blart mall cop. I have better things to do than listen to you whine about your recent divorce.
Pride was great cause we really can now appreciate how far we've come as gay people!
Doll, if you're still fucking strangers behind the WeHo Sonic while high on E then we've come as far as 2003...
We just made watching Intervention into a drinking game. We drink everytime someone does drungs.
just gave him road head on the way home IN A SNOW STORM..good thing we didn't crash or I'd be dead. I DIDN'T HAVE MY SEATBELT ON
clearly you have your priorities straight
Yeah. I've decided no relationship can survive me shoving my boobs in the guys face
Dude, sorry for live texting you my binge drinking. If you'd like me to do the same for my hangover, I can share that I just had to sit down while q-tipping my ears.
Guess what I'm doing tonight? Tacos and strip chess.
He told me if he passed out to wake him by sitting on his face, and if he suffocated at least he would die happy. Found the one.
I only drink at bars with bathrooms big enough to have sex in.
Next time I take edibles I'm getting chipotle to cater the event
I'm slowly starting to accept that you have to be a sociopath to be attracted to me
Ok maybe second best. He dated a stripper. Can't compete with that level of hoeness
And with the bitter taste of failure in my mouth, i am off to pub to drown it in tequila and 19 year olds, so in the morning i can add pregnancy and stds to my list of problems.
The gate guard just said to me, "I almost didn't recognize you in uniform. Welcome back." I think I need to lay off the booze.
i feel like the girl with kaleidoscope eyes except the kaleidoscopes are sparkly butt plugs
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