I was so hungover that I had to stop in the middle of the game and throw up. The fans cheered.
shape ups are the best shoes to wear when youre stoned. its like walking on little trampolines every step.
I'm honestly too sad to drink and hang out with strippers. This breakup sucks.
just drunkenly made mashed potatoes at midnight. what have you done for your calorie intake lately?
i'm drinking margaritas from a pouch...really dont think i'm in the position to judge anyone...
Talk about an dramatic entrance, girl rolled up on a stolen bike and was wearing heels and a dress, through it on the ground and said "you guys want a bike?" Of course i jumped on that shit, any sane person would!
I've been smoking weed using candles all week and I just found a lighter. This may truly be the happiest moment of my life. It's embarrassing how excited I got
I'm just that drunk tells people I love them or wants to set them on fire. Accept that.
You are the ghost of drunk bitches past, present, and future.
I need a moral compass that doesn't always point to dick
Yes, you can glue plastic eyes to my dick and take pictures while I'm asleep. If you tell anyone I said you could do that Ima fight you.
Don't be weirded out, but my bondage straps are made of my ex boyfriend's curtains
admittedly, geting that drunk in front of my last two exes wasnt a good idea
probably didn't help that you cheated on them with each other either
He dicked me, fed me creme brulee, and didn’t make a big deal out of me causing a flood to come outta my vagina
Marry him NOW
Things change once you put a ring on it. 5 years ago if I had morning wood she would have gone nympho on that. Now I am just lucky if she touches it rolling when we sleep.
Randomize
