I'm pretty sure the only race ive ever won was to my mothers egg
Dude you can't like a status about me getting hit by a car
I can't begin to describe what I look like walking through the grocery store with this outfit and chocolate syrup.
Having him as a wingman is like telling the girl you already have aids
No really tho I'm wearing a chucky cheese shirt and yoga pants. If that doesn't scream no sex idk what does
I'm still pretty stoned. There are mini rice cakes in my robe pocket to snack on in the shower.
It's 4/20 of course I'm going to smoke in the portapotty and be ripped outta my mind at the lung cancer walk.
There's tequila in my general area. Please pray for me.
Before consuming her Waffle House she did a few deep breaths and cleared the table to "prepare herself for this"
The whole time you were apparently enduring your pukescapades, I was singing very loudly in the car to Beyonce on my way to get a post-coitus Diet Coke.
He stopped mid thrust ... To check snap chat .. From his roomie
I don't want to inconvenience you with my dick\n\n
I mean I'm completely serious and also drunk.
What a great combination.
When my card got declined you bought the vibrator without me even asking. This is what friendship is.
There’s an entire generation of people out there who didn’t grow up watching Mr. Rogers and it shows. These Boomers need to get their shit together.
Randomize
