we are driving next to a guy driving and masturbating while looking at a naked magazine. I love LA
Level of drunkenness: just now when I sat down on the toilet, I had to double check to make sure I wasn't sitting on somebody's lap.
Yes, she gives me platonic blowjobs as part of our friendship.
I want to start this convo out by apologizing for the broken toaster.
How would one go about tricking someone into chugging an entire bottle of tequila?
My mom is holding a picture of me, crying, and saying "where did I go wrong" over and over again.
I literally used, "MY VAGINA IS TOO FANTASTIC FOR HIM TO STAY GAY" as a valid argument for attempting to fuck my gay friend.
Sometimes I'm sad but then I realize that bagels.
The front camera on the 5S is SO much better. This is great development for my international sexting.
I wish more of my problems were easily solvable by taking a good long shit.
As if I didn't already know that I was in the friend zone, our conversation that included the words "kiddo" and "old friend" really was a knee biter.
We're too hungover to prance.
How do I say “I have great tits” without it sounding awful
I just got a rock from a customer. Weirdest. Tip. Ever.
Fruitcakes are only good for throwing at neo Nazis.
Randomize
