If you text me again I will gut all of your stuffed animals.
I don't even have to turn the heat on in my car. Just fart the whole way home.
you were asking all the dicks on chatroulette if they had daddy issues
I hate the hobo that sits outside our building
Joe or Chris?
do i even wanna kno y u kno their names?
well i came home drunk one night and Chris offered me a beer as i was coming in, it was kinda weird but i wasn't goin to deny a free beer. you're proolly talkin about Joe though, he's the one with the fucked up eye.
Its midnight, he's burning water on the stove and keeps yelling at me and telling me not to burn myself.
I forget the details, but I'm told that I drunkenly stalked him around floor yelling obscure Jewish laws at him
She's planning a December wedding, I'm planning on a June breakup.
Wanna smoke some ancient weed I just found in a box of cake mix?
my biography would be titled "haunting truths and dick jokes: a tale of love, loss, and masturbation."
For the first time in my life, I still have money by the next payday. Who is this responsible person and what have they done with the real me?
It's taking every bit of my restraint not to go to the store and buy chips and cake and like steal someone's dog. PMS is so weird.
No one with a hairstyle like that is allowed to insult anyone for anything
I told him I had the birth control implant in my arm and he looked me in the eyes, said "Science!" and came in me
My farts smell like burning tires and false courage
dude me and this dog are gonna go bond oon the tramplene with stromboli... i think everyone is staring at me... being this high is SO stressful
Randomize
