nothing makes up for a small, perpetually flaccid penis quite like a British accent
it's a shame restraining orders have to come between me and my relationships
I tried making the sex a little better this time so right before I blew I yelled "ready or not here I come!"
that's why i date skinny girls, they don't realize how small it is.
My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
He pulled a condom out of his satchel and i questioned my entire life.
Bailing my boss from jail at five in the morning.. If thats not a promotion I don't what is.
Handcuffed our DD to a naked stripper don't think he will try to sneak out
He can pick locks you know
That's the reason for the naked stripper
No, dude...I agree it's great in theory but I promise you that 80 drunk 21 year old sorority girls together in one room for formal is one of the worst drama filled ideas ever. Ever.
This is the beginning of the end. Testicle Tuesdays and free ball Friday are going to scar people for life
Dude that picute of your balls will haunt my nightmares
party devolved into two exes battling with Cal's tiki torches, and the lawn being set on fire kinda sorta and then we all hula'ed... hulaed?
I just went on etsy and my personalized suggestions on the page were either kinky sex restraints or baby things. I feel like etsy just summarized my life.
I mean, if you want to light yourself on fire for maximum accuracy, far be it from me to stop you
He sent me a flaccid dick pic from the bathroom at the bar and he said I'm sorry it's not all hard and good looking. Props to him - I did ask for a pic.
If he moved really quickly from "hi I've had a crush on you for years" to "send nudes" you probably were used.
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