If I don't come home tonight, I've died in a pile of gay.
This is the first month I have not taken plan B to get my period in over a year
And somehow that makes me sad knowing I haven't had raunchy unprotected sex in a month
I now officially know the distance between my two boobs is one twizzler.
I just went in my fridge and said to my turkey "see you thursday". I seriously have issues
she would be the type to have more hair on her twat than on her head
she has to be all "alternative"
I FOUND THE PROF I'M GOING TO FUCKKKK.
I just scratched behind my ear and found icing. Fuck you.
saw a man tazing a raccoon in the middle of the street last night... normal
Just seen a scantily clad pirate with 2 36 packs of natty ice on a bike riding with no hands. If she doesn't hit a speed bump she's golden and should be on the next Americas got talent.
throwing up in the shower isnt as glamorous as i expected
since when the fuck is that glamorous?
about 90% sure I fell off a roof. It hurts BAD. Don't suppose you're still in town?
yup haha I infact DID fall off a roof. Want some bomb ass omlettes?
If you invite me to a bar tonight my liver will kick you in the testicles
If you find me in the bathroom in a fetal position, licking frozen bacon .. I might have Drank a little too much.
Hey does the gas gauge in your car work?
Nevermind...we figured it out. Heres a more relevant question, does your insurance have roadside assistance?
really who shits their pants then locks themselves out of their apartment? ... I threw my underwear out in a random bathroom
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