Obv we're gonna bbm each other in bed
Soo i just shotgunned a water balloon...
I woke up at 5am and he was watching me sleep... Come get meee!!??
Last night is one of those stories you hear about on 20/20 right after they make a law banning 90% if what I did.
You'd think with all the porn he watches he'd be a little better at this...
I take back all the times I've said life was unfair. I'm about to have two trained bartenders for a girlfriend and roommate
All I could think about when I saw her was that she could be the mother of my future first round draft picks
Here's the thing, you got road head in two different cars tonight. You feel lucky yet?
You're dating a nurse! That's smart, you never know when you'll have a medical emergency. Probably liver failure.
There's some band that practices next door to my apartment. I'm thinking we may need to check that out. I could be like, "Hey boys, thought you might like some lemonade and vagina."
Did you take the bag w/your drugs & cookie cutter?
Why am I cleaning the house twerking to anaconda wearing a bears jersey and helmet?
Well, I could just slap my dick to my phone and see what it says
The tamale guy is fucking with me, I wanna sleep in he wakes me up; early wake-n-bake and he's late and I'm hungry
It's a shame, really, because he's got the cock of a horse... And the personality of dry toast.
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