Thats something to write home to mom about
Dear Mom, I had sex last nt w a girl that liked to b choked. Im n love. Cant wait for you to meet her
I just saw a hot homeless man
another moral hangover. fuck.
fyi, take the long route to the library. the "can i be your baby daddy?" homeless man migrated back for winter
Just considered the plausability of using my detachable showerhead as a beer bong. Has my life really devolved to this?
Also, new rule: You are no longer allowed to send me a text with the word "dildo" in it before 10am.
Last time I sleep with a guy with a penchant to fragrance his dick. Every time I sit to pee, I get a whiff of Axe body spray.
I come back upstairs and there he was sitting in a speedo. He handed me a blanket and said "let's cuddle" how is this real life?
I'll be the Broncos and you be the Seahawks and you can pound the shit out of me.
So that advice that humming stops you from puking? Yeah no, just puked through my nose.
I knew my bag made it because I could smell the fireball that spilled inside of my suitcase before it was on the luggage carousel.
if you guys find pieces of my teeth don't throw them out please
I sign my lease Thursday, I'm about to be released back into the wild.
I'll make missing person signs.
You're a good friend.
So drunk last night I reviewed my recent anazon purchase of secret deodorant. Trust me, it was eloquent.
The text I got from my boyfriend this morning: "babe, I'm not mad because I know you were drunk, but you kissed 3 guys last night and I wasn't one of them".
Randomize
