I have said "that's the wrong hole" for the last time.
My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
I cant wait for the day that I tell my daughter I named her after my favorite porn star.
I didn't join FB to see my only child straddle that boy in all her pictures.
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How do I invite him to our 4th of July cookout without sounding too much like "hey you were my first orgasm and I want your dick inside my while watching fireworks"
Fuck you, jack daniels. I feel like satan laid an egg in my brain.
she kept asking for a lobster dinner while she was crying. it was actually the most reasonable drunk chick request i've ever heard.
This santa hat i wore to the bar, served it's dual purpose as a vomit bag.
The chick working the drive through at BK on New Years stuck her head out the window and told me there were no line ups for the bathrooms inside so i should go in there. I just kept squatting and peeing and told her it would prob help business.
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The door opens out but somehow she managed to kick it in..
I have nothing to say for myself. When 2chainz comes on at the bar all bets are off.
You kept asking us from the backseat if you were driving ok and then you kept talking to your hiccups and yelling at them to "stop it already!"
I don't know if the fact that I carry lube in my purse means I'm living life right or I'm doing it wrong..
I've got a tequila scented hand sanitizer for you.
you're the best roommate i could ever have.
I'm currently hiding from this horrific thing that we call adulthood. If anyone needs me, I'll be smoking a bowl in the bouncy house.
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