Thanks for the three minutes of sex tonight.
i hope kanye doesn't show up to patrick swayze's funeral. " i'll let you get back to your funeral in a minute...but michael jackson had the best death of the year. just sayinnn ".
I just remembered we said the Lord's Prayer before we went out last night.
i paused nhl 10 while i jerked off and it was like a crowd was cheering me on
My boyfriend just sent me flowers. I am now crying at the fact i fucked my fat neighbor. God please help me.
I told him if I was pregnant we were coming out to the people at work, because I'm not pretending to get knocked up by an imaginary boyfriend.
Sent him a picture of my pregnant boobs from last year, think he'll notice the difference?
I'm at his house right now making him pancakes to compensate for YOU not giving him a handjob last night. You're welcome.
Woke up on a mattress on a roof this morning with a pair of briefs next to me. Oh fleet week.
I'm not judging you. Just know that you could be Queen of The World. Instead you're 5:28 p.m ponging. I hope you're at least winning
A dude just looked at me like my drunk swaying was corrupting his progeny DUDE YOUR KID HAS A MULLET YOU'VE ALREADY RUINED HIM
My uber driver just told me I smell like fun...still drunk at 7 am
It's one of the few times I hit fuck it levels of not caring
I was not drunk enough for that final.
how do you say “i know we haven’t hung out in a month, but i gave myself an amazing orgasm to your picture the other day” without coming on too strong
Randomize
