You are writing your college essay comparing yourself to Lady Gaga, Vladimir Putin, and Dale Earnhardt Jr. and you are worried about the conclusion sounding cheesy?
josh has a chalupa in his pocket if you're hungry.
I am more familiar with your toilet than I ever want to be with any appliance
Two word: claymation porn. Think about it.
I don't think I can ever express my appreciation for the things you text me.
do u know what happened to the bottles last night?
apparently we hid them.... i google mapped the location into my phone
He sent me a pic of her engagement ring and then STILL asked for nudes.
she keeps a switchblade in her panty drawer... i am both terrified and slightly turned on
In local news "Man Stabbed With Golf Club" next person who tells me this is a safe place to live gets punched...
I just sneeze out a chunk of leftover pickle I threw up last night. dont you try and tell me your day is going worse
Opened my notebook to coke all over the pages. So, if that's any indication on how this weekend went.
I don't know what you slipped me, but my TV is vomming blood right now. Thanks, jerkoff.
I found my wallet. Still have no idea when I put mad dog in my steel water bottle, though...
A world without bacon flavored condoms is not one I want to live in.
So, 'head before the store' turned into a fuck fest, & that's how I ended up at the grocery store smelling like a cum farm on Black Friday. How's your weekend?
First night in my new place, I had to get drunk to get used to the idea of shitting in a new toilet
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