Did you hit it?
Turns out she was a he. but to answer your question, yes.
The girl here has a popped collar. Can I slap her?
Yes. For all mankind please do.
I swear I have "I love assholes" written on my forehead with ink that only guys can see.
Dude you just tried to have a one night stand with my ex girlfriend while we were trying to put you to bed upstairs.
but that still doesn't explain how i woke up on the couch down stairs.
And then you told your sister how horrible of a friend I was because I couldn't get you cheese fries...
Just checked my bank account while shitting blood. Neither action felt good when I was done.
Idk he's just laying there passed out with a French fry up his nose and without any pants on. Boner and everything.
Who ever is in the stall next to me is crying and it sounds like they're doing massive amounts of blow too. Finals for your ass huh.
Hey dude this is some next level no homo shit but im gonna get 2 tickets to the opera and go Hail Mary on this one girl. U take the extra ticket if i fail.
Leaving my wallet at work and not going out to drink tonight...SIGN FROM THE UNIVERSE.
I WOKE UP IN A FUCKING DOG BED HOW DO YOU THINK I FEEL
Tried to shave my legs but the rug burn on my knees from last night got in the way.
Headphones came off my phone same time as The Weeknd sang "Who's gonna fuck you like me?"...Everyone at work heard it.
He's eating a sriracha ravioli sandwich. How do you think the night is going?
He agreed to matching Christmas pajamas today, no guy does that for a girl he’s not seriously considering marrying.
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