when did we get to this "texting at random" level on friendship?
girl has like over 50 stars tattooed on her front, side and back. feels like i just fucked the universe.
woke up with a used condom shoved in my ear. i officially hate alcohol.
and thats when we got a drunken mammogram in the middle of cvs pharmacy
if they reproduce, their children will be the worst quarters players ever
Aw c'mon. You have to see if the spinning penis rumor is true.
It's kind of hard to say bye to you when you fall asleep on the bar..
his eyes are fucked up, he bumped into the cabinet while standing in my office, and he's pounding chicken soup, and he must have chewed on 8 pieces of gum before he got here.
But he's not just anonymous male genitalia anymore. I've met him, I've seen his face.
I'm actually not sure I need to run today, between the crazy monkey sex and breaking into my own house.
So apparently I was a completely different person lastnight, one who drinks scotch and makes out with 55 year old men who look like inspector gadget
Tell me why I woke up outside of our hotel room Wearing a cowboy hat and boots in Las Vegas.
Your the only person I know that needed stiches after a Monday morning conference call. How are you in your 20s? How
It's Valentine's Day, I figure for sure we'll have sex today, right? Wrong. I tried unsuccessfully for like an hour to get him to fuck me. Now he's asleep and I'm on my way to join the public library.
TSA found the edibles
Fuck
Oh my god he just. Swiped them for explosives and handed them back to me
God bless California
Randomize
