God I can't wait to have my phone textbombed every night
Please tell me I didn't pass out while we were having sex last night... and if so I am sooooo sorry.
No, don't worry. We're not going to get THAT arrested.
You should have seen her outfit yesterday. It was like pretty woman before Richard Gere gave her money to buy a new outfit.
I hope he's okay, but I also hope he shows up with an eyepatch
I imagine anything that isn't a dilldo attached to a jackhammer, powered by a generator won't be amazing enough for you
If you can't find your cat in the morning it's cause i put him in the laundry basket and then put the laundry basket in the shower.
Everything tastes like hotdogs and shame.
I'm having a hard time existing right now. When I figure out how it works ill be over.
No amount of beer will make me feel better about this. It's time for Emergency Whisky
There is no way to say this. Dude, I peed your bed. No questions, no answers. My flight leaves in 30 minutes. Use my detergent. Also, THE VODKA IN THE FRIDGE IS YOURS.
How bad was it?
Stopped drinking Sunday, hungover on Tuesday bad.
Yep. The ghost of my sex life is in your house.
She was topless, yelling this is Sparta, threatening to push her dad into the sewer. I am pretty sure she won't be at school.
A dozen naked frat boys in squirrel masks just ran by. Welcome to the official start of the holidays.
Randomize
