"Morning after" poops are always like, interesting.
yeah seriously, fuck school. I'm changing my master's thesis question from "what are the neuropsychological correlates of antisocial personality" to "will my cat drink this beer"
Kanye's agent is the only person whose job sucks worse than mine.
so either half this theatre is as stoned as me, or day daybreakers is hilarious
We had unprotected sex and she's eating life cereal for breakfast. The universe is telling me get the plan b for her
he said he would handcuff me to his penis. thats not even possible. i want to go home.
Finished my senior thesis. How am I celebrating you ask? By drinking gas station white zif out of an empty candle holder by myself. I fucking deserve to graduate.
He is just lying there. People are throwing money onto his chest as they walk by...
We waved. But it was a "let's hook up" wave.
I'm hoping my engineering degree will pay off when I invent porn watching in the shower
Apparently I've told this bouncer I stalk him on Instagram 3 times. I should stop drinking. I only remeber saying it tonight. early sign of Alzheimer's
I woke up with what appeared to be LSD in my pocket. Know anything about this?
I was going down on her and she started whistling "Whistle while you work." I'm in love.
I just chased my hot mailman down the street to ask him out and now I am 98% positive he gave me a fake number.
it's 1043 pm. still havent changed out of the shirt i wore last night so at this point i figure i'll go for twosies.
Randomize
