I murdered the dance floor call the cops
The bar is so dead the tender gave us free shots for staying. They mixed 2pac and phil collins. That's worth at least three shots.
if you don't open the door right now liz is going to get pregnant
he said i'm too pretty to suck penis
She threw up on me during morning sex and now Im pretty sure I just saw a woman die at 7-eleven. This is way too much for a Monday morning
All that matters is I got the megaphone home safely
We just filmed our own version of iron chef. The secret ingreient was whisky.
What did you cook with whisky?
We started a fire.
You passed out while holding my hair during a blow job.. i think your gona have to earn back blow jobs
Sorry I disappeared. Do you hate me?
Not at all, did you not hear me clapping outside your car on our way out?
I literally just smashed open my grade school piggy bank for beer money. Goodbye childhood. Hellllllo coin night.
That isn't the worst part. It got a bazillion times more awkward when he read me a poem he wrote about his dead cat.
She rode me wearing nothing but a Santa hat. Merriest fucking Christmas!
just walked passed a black light...apparently he DID cum.
Did you pee in the oven last night??
Do not ever chug tabasco sauce.
Randomize
