If you're gonna cry pregnant again I'm not coming over.
At least we don't have one night stands
True that. We sink our claws in our men.
So tell me more about the cum that came out of your nose
You planned my entire going away party sitting in the bath tub cradling a bottle of Cuervo. You promised me fire jugglers. And a pinata.
I woke up to him drunk-t-bagging me, saying "huevos rancheros" were being served for breakfast.
I am significantly less than sober now. Gonna make like, ten hotdogs.
but it was less of a make out and more of a goodnight kiss as a "thanks for giving our drunk asses a ride home and sorry we called your bar the worst bar in LA"
So I just stirred my shower drink with my razor.
I'm not going to ask which end you used.
We may not see eye-to-eye on much, but I'm definitely willing to let you see eye-to-vagina again.
So I think my motto should be "losing bras and dignity every weekend" but like in a really amazing way
He called me for phone sex. Do you know how hard it is to fake an orgasm, and play Candy Crush at the same time?
I did a line of coke with my ex tonight. Talk about memories
sending my old camp counselor nudes. childhood memory win or new low?
Just threw up in a baggy on the airplane. The guys next to me clapped and bought me a jack and coke.
Livin the dream
Come to my place after work and we can discuss our finances over a coors delight and a fire ball shot
Randomize
