I'm at subway, this 8 year old kid is judging my fashion sense with his dad. I want to kill myself.
It's ok, he's just 8, he's not judging you.
He just asked why I'm sitting alone. I honestly want to cry.
I don't understand how he can't hear himself snoring, but he'll wake up to me sneaking m&m's from my junk food stash beside the bed...
what part of covering your puke with shaving cream seemed like a good idea?
If my nicknames are based on what I throw up, you can call me Jimmy Johns
Too bad my thesis topic isn't "defining a hot mess: a study in drinking, smoking and other bad life decisions."
My booty call got married. Come over before I start tagging all the places my dick has been in her wedding photos.
They were fighting, but then they bumped into the bong and it shattered. After that they just hugged and cried.
Well, that's a 3 inch weight lifted off of my vagina
Nope we're in the ER. He lit himself on fire trying to impress another girl with magic tricks.
Only I would come home from a random banging with beer and watermelon
There are eight sets of guys I've made out with who have the same name. It's like noah's ark in my mouth.
I wish I could remember her name, I mean we fucked and all, but it woulda been nice to tag her in the instagram pics.
TONIGHT IS GOING TO BE A FUCKING BLAST. EVEN IF I HAVE TO SET OFF A BUNCH OF FIREWORKS IN YOUR KITCHEN.
He says the sweetest things but also that he wants to choke me when we fuck so it's kinda perfect.
Can’t fucking wait for Tuesday night. Have another situation that popped up. I swear my life is like a cross between a soap opera and a porno
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