nothing i could have done in life could have prepared me for walking in on her SHITTING on my rug.
Needless to say there is no second date for this girl.
yet...
There is a woman in the bar breastfeeding a baby. Doing shots. Gotta love maryland Applebees.
I literally paid him in shots to clean my entire apartment. he even vacuumed...who said alcoholism is a bad thing??
I just woke up naked clutching a Taco Bell bag.
I knew it was different as soon as you told me you slept with him and didn't tell me about his dick
Well, I wanted to be you for Halloween but I couldn't fit seven dicks in my mouth.
YOUR BALLS CAME OUT. DONT CALL ME A SHITSHOW.
I just woke up on an unfamiliar floor, my shoes are gone, my suits covered in red lipstick and chocolate, and Im wearing sunglasses that say "Maid of Honor".God damnit I love this country.
I woke up with chocolate melted between my tits. I'd say that's a win for all parties involved.
You came down the stairs dressed as winnie the pooh and kicking cups off the table and out of people's hands
He ate me out while watching Fifty Shades of Grey---needless to say I'm locking this down
Im eating leftover Easter ham in a bubble bath. What has my life come to?
He is completely naked, curled in a ball, and rocking back and forth in the shower humming lullabies to himself. This is your responsibility since I'm going to be fucking someone in 5.7 seconds.
May I the honors of taking your dick tonight?
The honor would be all mine.
My ex's sister asked me to be her date to Thanksgiving. Should I go?
Threesome!
Randomize
