He just left - my room smells like that cheese they put on nachos and cigarettes and beef
Yo quero taco bell
just drew up plans to mow my front lawn into the American flag for world cup. that high and patriotic.
I hate it when she philosophizes drunkenly on my kitchen counter. not even sober do i understand latin.
i knew it was going to be a good night when i was bleeding, licked it and it tasted like miller light
She called herself a train and then took off all her clothing. I forget everything after that.
I saw you two flinging Jello at the sidewalk if that helps jog your memory.
Currently microwaving whipped cream to make white Russians and hotboxing the kitchen while this random kid is dancing in the corner.
The forecast for tonight is alcohol and low expectations.
You're the only meteorologist I listen to.
I'm just gonna clean the house so my Mom won't think I'm hung over. I'll just start with the toilet
I swear to god....if you can give yourself a brazilian you can take a fucking bullet
I told the emergency room nurse I didn't want to stop and ruin the moment. She said safewords are there for a reason. Super condescending. Got her number though.
Turns out it's a fake number.
If I die write a nice eulogy and bury me with my star wars bobbleheads
I put miralax in my rum/coke. Go hard or go home.
Please wake up and help me figure out how I woke up on the floor with my head under the couch
Have you ever forgotten how to pee? I did last night. Standing in front of the urinal with dick in hand. WTF were we drinking???
Anything special planned for Valentines Day?
Does testing the strength of my coworker’s marriage count?
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