when people say theyve been sober for however many years is that like couple beers not drunk sober, or no drinking sober?
i just won a 100 dollar gift card to walmart in a karaoke contest...i love kentucky
you handed the cop a condom last night and said "it's all about protect and serve right?"
Are you in a cab?
I'm close- can you order me a bowl of vodka?
judging from the number of limes and box of kosher salt on the counter therell be 8.5 gallons of tequila drunk this weekend.
sounds about right
Almost screamed "GO FISH MOTHER FUCKER" at the girl I nanny today. Drunken card games shouldn't bleed into my sober life.
drunk grocery shopping was not as bad of an idea as i thought, this salmon cat food tastes a lot like tuna
I told him I was on the pill and it was OK to fire away. I want to never have to wear panty house or ever go to an office again. This is my early retirement plan. I want half of his NBA money.
Super awkward when the coworker you made out with in exchange for molly last weekend keeps coming over to your cube and trying to talk to you
Is being in jail an excusable absence?
Hey Cat, it's Michael. You made out with me for a hot dog last night and I feel super used.
This country song on the radio just had a rap break. What. No. Why.
It's like we're in an emotionally distant three-way and there's not even sex to show for it.
Like, yea, let's talk sexy but also...LOOK! I SAW A CAT!
My mom purposely got me drunk so I can stay at her house bc "we don't spend enough time together." I blacked out anyway, so we didn't spend time together regardless.
Randomize
