you fell asleep during kickboxing this morning
how does that even happen??
no seriously he was fingering me like he was really really frantically looking for a song on his iPod.
I'm at the casino and some dude apparently has money in an entire row of slot machines. Its like watching a really intense adult version of wack a mole
Dubbing lion king over planet earth. That stoned.
Saying we were separated at birth, got on a ship and sailed here via onion barrel from Somalia didn't help our case at all....
Wella between the drunkards, the inevitable slutty costumes, and someone doing a BODY SHOT OFF A PREGNANT GIRL, i lost my halloween spirit. Bah humbug.
on the list of things i learned today that are not stripper poles: ex-boyfriends, table legs, and police officers.
Finally put clothes on I've been laying naked in the bed for approximately 4 hours since I showered and by showered I mean when I laid down in the bathtub with the shower on
It's like the bermuda triangle of cat puke
Can you please reassure him im not a scary or intimidating person? And that really my entire life is a series of completely ridiculous events that have led me here?
DO IT, or I'll send you pictures of my hickey to remind you of your loneliness
I was so high I didn't realize I'd put on someone else's bra. I thought my boobs had shrunk.
I'm two shots in and wandering around Barnes and Noble with $58 in singles.
I'm the girl holding the bag of goldfish
I stared at his dick and then told him to get on his knees
Randomize
