apparently, it's not a good idea to make jokes about sending newborns through airport security xrays. the moms dont see the humor.
But why'd she put it on the conveyor then?
this beer tastes like vomit already
Just got my period. I'm not pregnant with Scott's child and I won't be having any sex tonight. This must be what they mean by bittersweet.
you didnt remember my name all night. you kept referring to me as "the blonde with the fat ass"
I had a dream that I got a gift certificate to a lavish spa from my father. I think dream dad, along with real dad, think I'm gay.
You tried feeding my python vodka through a funnel. Fuck off.
It's the first day of summer. It's not a race it's a marathon. Pace yourself
She seriously spent 30 minutes trying to make balloon animals out of my limp dick...
...
Exactly.
The only people in the library at 5:00 on the friday after finals are homeless or pre-med.
Nick's drunk off his ass and Kyle just Texted me and all he said was "butt pirates from space".
At some point the phrase "I've hit rock bottom" stopped having a meaning and became my general state of life
There's a set of buzz lightyear wings in lost and found at work. I just need access to your roof.
And to be fair, I think we all suspect that forbidden sex with an outlaw biker might be worth it.
It's hard not to feel like a terrible person with bruises on your tits.
It probably doesn't matter because I'm drunk...but I'm sorry for getting you drunk, having you almost lose your place to live, all your friends, permanently lose your liver functions, throwing up on my floor, losing virginity...etc...mostly I'm sorry for making you watch: cabin in the woods.
Randomize
