he was in the bathroom singing "will it floooaaat?? will it floooaaat?!" turns out that's a deal breaker for me.
just taught 3 girls from korea how to fist pump on chat roulette.
Just spit on a sock to clean a spot on my glass table. Oddest combination of so lazy and motivated ever.
By the way, turns out "Danny B" is his penis. Not his cousin. I was right.
I just found your spare underwear and the half eaten granola bar you left in my purse.
You know you stopped at a liquor store to prepare for a 12-year-old's birthday party, right?
I barely even remember him. He is just a distant beard in my past.
SIMBAAAA REMEBER WHO YOU ARE
Next time you're baked eat baked beans and potato chips together. Like dip them in the beans. It's so good
The cop left me alone after I gave her my spare snow cone. It was a hot and humid day and that uniform looked stuffy. Yay stoner me for overindulging in icy treats.
Saved a second guy who was crying/on the verge of wigging out. Just call me the drug whisperer.
Please remind me next time not to call the ex who cheated on me to cry about the ex who forgave me for putting him in prison. It would be much appreciated.
this is a save-me-from-tijuana-tequila-and-hoookers booty call. if i don't hear from you by 8pm i'm grabbing my passport
if i'm not back tomorrow call the embassy
Officially the best daughter ever. I just restocked my parents alcohol that I stole last night AND ADDED TO IT
He's going to be in the air guitar championships in june. Need I say more.
Randomize
