she asked me what the final straw was. i had to tell her i caught him jerking off to digimon porn. i don't know what i'm more upset by, that he was masturbating to cartoons, or that he was masturbating to sub-par cartoons
They pulled him over whille he had a fish tank full of beer in his front seat. He told them it coudn't count as an open container cause the top was on it.
they arrested me when i was peaking, i'm pretty sure they were specifically looking for me but i was too busy rolling around, loving the grass to notice the police car..
I woke up to her staring at me in a corner moaning over and over again about how good the pie crust tasted
I have hooked up with someone in EVERYONE OF MY CLASSES.
That's how you know you deserve to be a senior
Just realized how many men I've had sex with for the first time in St. Patty's Day past. Currently sending "HAPPY SEXIVERSARY" texts...
I had to throw a towel over the bottles cuz it hurts to look at them
Well I sent him a pic of my vagina and sent back a pic of his puppy....so there's that
Oh Brad. Your poor brain, always being ignored for your penis and crazy women.
You kept trying to make people drink "salsa-ritas." But all you did was dump tequila in a half full jar of salsa, and shove it in people's faces while shouting at them.
You're 34. You can't make guys wait till the third date anymore. Step it up!
You thought there were zombies attacking us so you tried to tuck and roll out of a moving vehicle. Also you should consider wearing underwear
Sorry I yelled at you and called you Amish and puked on your eggs
I blame everything on you. My broken heart, my fucked up liver and my twisted mind.
I parked in the SAE Fraternity lot and left a note that said if you don't tow me you will all get a blowjob.
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