so my 6 year old came home from school and asked me if he was a bastard cause the kids at school called him one, i told him to call them a clit. those parents will hate me
after we finished, she said she had been a backup performer for Cirque du Soleil. THAT flexible.
Breaking hearts and overdosing on semen. That's my life.
bro, sorry for: trying to put you on fire yesterday, telling the bouncer that it was you that broke the bottles, and to have slept with your sister.
He said he got laid, but you and i both know he was too high to leave his house.
He rode my dog to the bathroom and wouldn't stop laughing once he got in. It was scary.
If I die young bury me in satin. And make sure there's a taco bar at my funeral.
Whatever it's Canadian jail, it's not like Guatemala or something. It'll be nice and cushy and they'll probably throw him a big bday party with all his friends and strippers
I am at Brians in a pirate costume, what the hell am I thinking
A girl just asked me if we had pregnancy tests and a coworker had to stop me from telling her I was a pregnancy test. THAT is why I don't drink at work.
I thought we were but then I freaked myself out. So I kind of geared him up for take off and then cancelled the launch
I'll only sleep there if we can bone on your balcony.
PS- My flight is being emergency landed bc someone smuggled cats on the plane.
Dude we need to hang out soon. I'm in the mood to get arrested again.
We had sex on the tiger blanket while I was wearing my Ukrainian shirt and my ass touched the Ukrainian flag. Happy 25th Ukraine!
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